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When Joy meets grief: coping with loss during holidays.

Posted on: December 20, 2023 - 1:56pm

 

Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanza, New Year’s, Ramadan, and other holidays are considered a joyous time. They bring people together to celebrate, reflect, and eat!  Holidays can also be difficult for many. They can stir feelings of loneliness and loss.  They can intensify emotional struggles, increase stress, raise anxiety, and lead to burnout. The American Psychological Association found that a significant percentage of individuals experience heightened stress during the holidays. Concerns about time, money, and the pressure to give/receive gifts were commonly reported.

In our efforts to create and attend holiday parties, family gatherings, and festive community events we can leave little room for downtime.  This busy social calendar can lead to exhaustion, financial strain, and keep us from taking the time necessary to take care of our health and well-being (mental and physical). Plus, there is a social comparison aspect only amplified due to widespread imagery via social media of idealized holiday moments that don’t take into account real life. 

We want you to have the best holiday season you can so we’ve put together some information and tips to help you manage this time of year for yourself, your family, and those you hold close.  Resource links that may be helpful or provide additional information are also included. As always, East Hartford Youth and Social Services is here to assist in any way we can. Please don’t hesitate to call or email our department.

Grief:

For those who have experienced the death of a loved one, celebrating a holiday can be very hard. Memories, even our best ones, remind us of the loss, and watching others celebrate can feel painful and overwhelming. The first year of celebrating holidays can be especially difficult. Survivors often have to work hard to develop new holiday rituals and traditions or find new ways of doing long-standing traditions.

Below are some tips to consider for coping with grief during your holidays. Take from them what makes sense for you and your family. It is impossible to not feel our grief but we can make the sometimes overwhelming feeling of it more manageable. There’s even a possibility of finding joy and celebration within it. Even in death, those that we love stay with us, allowing us to form a new kind of relationship with that person.

The most important thing to remember is there is no right or wrong way to celebrate a holiday after the death of a loved one. The best coping mechanism is to plan, get support from others, and take it easy!

  1. Set Realistic Expectations for Yourself! Remind yourself that this holiday will be different and give thought to whether you can still handle/participate in past responsibilities or expectations. It is okay if you need to make a change. Examine tasks and events and ask yourself if you want to continue them. Accept help when offered and ask for help when needed. Make things as easy as possible for yourself by shopping online if avoiding crowds and memories is needed.
  2. Surround Yourself with People Who Love and Support You! Share your holiday plans with family and friends. Include people in new traditions and routines or reinvent hold ones by inviting new people, changing locations, etc. Memories can be a source of comfort even while they make us feel our loss. This is part of the grieving and healing process, so share memories by telling stories and looking at photo albums.
  3. When Tempted, try to Avoid “Canceling” the Holiday! It is important not to isolate yourself. So, trying to find balance while making changes to routines/events, and even avoiding some circumstances you don’t feel ready to handle may be needed. Make time for solitude, give yourself space to grieve, and participate in social activities that surround you with support, love, joy, and fun.
  4. It is Okay to Feel ALL the Feelings!  Grieving is complicated and can and often will bring up feelings of sadness, anger, joy, confusion, etc. There are not wrong feelings to have when grieving. It’s important to recognize that everyone has a unique grief experience. Feeling happy emotions and enjoying yourself does not mean you, or anyone else, have forgotten the person who died.
  5. Draw Comfort from Doing for Others. Consider giving a donation, gift, or volunteering in memory of your loved one. Invite a guest who might otherwise be alone for the holiday. Any act of service can help when we are feeling a lot internally.
  6. Take Care of Yourself!!! Don’t forget to continue to do the things that care for your body and mind. The busy holiday season can get the best of us when we aren’t also grieving. It is VERY important to be extra conscious of how we are caring for ourselves.
    1. Be mindful to avoid using alcohol to self-medicate your mood.
    2. Physical exercise is often very helpful in reducing feelings of depression and anxiety, so even taking a walk can be very helpful.
    3. Writing in a journal can help get all those feelings inside of us, out.
    4. Try to avoid the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Be mindful of creating downtime for yourself as much as getting involved and doing too much.
    5. Give yourself permission to be a bit more frivolous and indulgent towards yourself. Buy yourself a little something just because you want it, go get a massage, or in some other way give yourself the same kindness you give to others.
  7. Create a New Tradition or Ritual! There is no right or wrong way to celebrate. Some people find comfort in honoring traditions, while others find them unbearably painful. Give consideration to what you want to include and have conversations with your family about what activities you all want to include or exclude this year. Some examples of rituals and traditions are:
    1. Make a plan for who will do the customs the person no longer with you usually did.  For example, make a plan and announce who will carve the turkey this year.
    2. Create a memory box. You can do this alone, with your immediate family, or with extended family & friends at a gathering. Fill it with photos, notes written by those grieving, drawings by young kids, etc.
    3. Make a decorative quilt or other artwork using favorite colors, symbols, images, or clothing/fabric that reminds you of the person.
    4. Light a candle in honor of your loved one.
    5. Put a bouquet of flowers on your holiday table in memory of your loved one.
    6. Include a visit to the cemetery, memorial site, or favorite spot in your holiday plans.
    7. Have a moment of silence during a holiday toast or share a favorite memory of your loved one before eating/during your celebration.
    8. Include a commemorative ornament on a Christmas tree or other holiday décor.
    9. Dedicate one of the Chanukah candles in memory of your loved one.
    10. Write a poem, short story, etc. about your loved one to share at a celebration.
    11. Play your loved one’s favorite music or game as part of your celebration.
    12. Plan a meal that includes your loved one’s favorite foods.

If you’re looking for additional support during your or your family’s grief, consider contacting our office or one of the grief support organizations below: